But I have struggled over the past few years with feelings of boredom, inferiority, inadequacy, of being left out of the world of work and income and achievement. This was complicated recently by a painful experience discerning to be a clergyperson in my denomination, and being told to come back in three years and go through the whole year-long stressful, time-consuming, and expensive process again and see if I get a different answer.
After that debacle, which left me hurt, confused, and angry, I've given a lot of thought to putting the children in school (or continuing to homeschool) while getting a job, possibly in healthcare. It would take many years of education and experience to make much money at all. And it would mean a lot of trade offs. Less time with my children, less time with my husband. Less personal time for exercise, reading, personal development and hobbies. Unlikely that I'd get to run off and do a meditation retreat again, which is what I dream of. My husband and I would have to juggle sick days when Dot needed us. My husband has several weeks of vacation a year. Could I even find a job where I could continue to go on vacation as often as we have enjoyed doing? Could I like a job enough to give up time with my family, time for myself, and family vacations?
Let's not forget the fact that all three of my children are special needs. They are all gifted (with all the intensity that comes with it), and at least two of my children have other special needs that affect their ability to function in a classroom. Public school isn't ideal for them. I'm not in love with any of the private schools in the area, and they are terribly expensive. And I have strong philosophical beliefs about education and child raising. I don't think it's ideal for children, particularly Dot's age, to be at school for 6-7 hours, and then less ideal to go to an after school program after such a long day. I understand that many families have to do that, but it's not what I want for my children.
Why do I want to get a job? Because I want to be valued and acknowledged and receive some sort of tangible reward and recognition for my work. But do I want that badly enough to give up so many things that make life worth living? And would a job really provide that, or just suck away my life, leaving me feeling more empty? I do very much want new challenges and new experiences. Would a job provide those? It would definitely be different and new. Would it be worth it? Not sure. And it's not like I can just easily try it without making massive changes to our lives and our kids' lives.
We live far away from family. My husband and I take care of our kids alone. We do have friends and a church community, but I don't know that I have a family-type relationship with anyone here. We've lived here a little over 5 years. I'd love to have the kind of friends that were more like family, where we help to bring up each other's kids, but that just hasn't happened yet here. It's stressful. My husband has to travel several times a year, and we already scramble to get our kids to their programs and activities. We are spread very thin without my having a job.
If I had a job, could I make enough money to cover gas, work clothes, additional child care or tuition? Would it be worth the stress? What good would a little bit more cash be to our family if I don't have time to enjoy it?
Sometimes I get frustrated. Why can't I just be a regular person who is reasonably content with the public education system? Why am I so weird and intense and complicated? Why do I overthink everything?
A few stories:
- A few years ago, I was friends with someone. We both had toddlers at the time. She had an impressive, prestigious job that provided a wonderful service to the world. She said that going to work was a break from her toddler for her, and that the incredible daycare they used provided so much more attention and learning opportunities to her son than she ever could. I thought about my life, and feeling bored and anxious, and how I didn't provide hours of stimulating programming for my daughter each day, how she watched too much TV. I was massively jealous of this friend and her prestigious job. And then one day a couple of years later, I went to pick this friend's child up from this supposedly amazing daycare. The facility seemed adequate, but it was not what I would have chosen for my own kids, and I definitely did not think it better than our life of playgrounds and outings, and yes, even boring old mom and the TV in our crazy, messy house. It turned out that the perfect life that I thought my friend had was just an illusion. It turned out she wasn't as happy and fulfilled as I thought, and within a couple of years she ended her marriage and left her impressive job. She and her ex ended up unhappy with the daycare too. Lesson learned was that I need to stop being jealous of other people to the point that I can't see their pain and humanity.
- A family member of mine was a SAHM for many years, and as her kids got into middle school, was sharing about the wonderful job she had accepted and about how great it would be to be working. Again, I was very jealous. And then a couple of years later, she is home again and feels that the job was too stressful and brought on an autoimmune condition. She now says that she doesn't understand why any woman works outside the home if she doesn't have to. Same thing. Why do I get so jealous? Everyone has problems, and no one's life is perfect.
- Final story: Covid-19 Pandemic comes along. Dot is pulled out of all of her activities, including mom's morning out. Does she miss them? Not really. She is just happy to be home with her family, watching TV and playing.
I'm a good mom and a loving wife but a bad housekeeper, and not likely to ever be a great one. But I also am a laid back mom who doesn't freak out about sand on the floors or marker on the walls or children covered in mud. And 4-year-olds don't stay 4 forever, and I know that one day our house won't be wrecked so quickly or so completely. I do worry that I don't provide enough value to our family. I often feel inadequate, and it's hard to see the things I do well sometimes and easy to focus on my weaknesses and our family's problems.
Personal Goals:
- Grow closer to God through prayer and meditation.
- Listen to God and stop worrying.
- Relax and enjoy my children and husband for who they are.
- Read interesting books, find courses to take in person or online.
- Learn to write poems.
- Be selective about what volunteer opportunities I take; find things that feed me and challenge me in ways I need to be fed and challenged.
- Give myself grace and acceptance.
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